Goodbye Time
by Mary-Alice-Cullen-Whitlock
Summary: I could feel a small, cold circle of metal in my hand and the feeling of having had my heart ripped out of my chest. Alice POV.
1. I should have paid more attention

A/N: My first attempt at a longer Twilight piece. So if it's totally awful let me know! I used to write a lot more, but I'm just getting back into the swing of this after over a year. As always, feedback would be very much appreciated! This will be a few chapters at least. I already have almost 3 and there's still more to go yet. ~ Mary Alice

_We never fought, simple as that._

_We never have….and I thought we never would._

_Not until…_

I was ecstatic when Nessie came to me after Jacob proposed. Thankfully, unlike her dear mother, she enjoyed parties and told me she was going to allow me to plan her wedding. I was immediately determined to make it the event of the century…..and would anyone doubt me? I think not.

We spent those first few weeks totally absorbed in the wedding plans, we had months yet, but a perfect wedding took time. Even at night, Rosalie, Esme and I would pour over magazines and web pages. We were having the times of our lives.

Through all this, the guys disappeared. I don't blame them. And I was seriously grateful for the removal of Edward and Jacob. The two of them had been unbearable. Edward was snappy and tense over "losing" his little girl so soon. And Jacob was a nervous wreck and trying to be the good fiancée and cater to Nessie's every need…meaning he was in the way constantly. But then magically one morning there was a note and no guys. Carlisle was a saint, he wrote that he thought we needed a bit of a break from them and he took them up to spend some time out in the wilderness to have some "guy bonding" time. Us girls celebrated.

They were gone for quite a while, but I was so caught up in everything that I didn't bother to check on them at all. Of course this would be one of my worst mistakes…maybe then I would have seen what would happen beforehand….been able to prepare myself or find a way to fight back or…anything but be totally blindsided when they did return.

When they came back, they all filed in and immediately went to their respective partners. I smiled watching all of the wonderful couples…how in love they all were. I turned to the door to look for my own love and waited for his return. When he still hadn't come in quite some time later, I went out to see what was taking him so long. I had to search for him, and when I found him he was just standing there staring out at the forest blankly. I tried to feel what kind emotions he was putting off, but he was guarding himself too well. It worried me. He hadn't blocked me out even remotely since the incident years ago with Bella's birthday party. I immediately went to his side, ready to console or encourage or whatever it was he needed from me.

I didn't think that vampires were able to black out or block a memory or anything of that sort…but even now I don't actually remember what happened next.

All I remember is snapping out of it quite some time later to find myself shaking with tearless sobs surrounded by my family…minus one. I could feel a small, cold circle of metal in my hand and the feeling of having had my heart ripped out of my chest. Even with my infinitely quick vampire mind, it still took me minutes to comprehend what had happened.


	2. I thought my world would crumble

A/N: Please, please, please let me know what you think! If it's really awful, I don't want to waste space and people's time and I'll stop. ~ Mary Alice

_It was over….he was gone…._

I sat there for the longest time trying to figure it out…trying to make sense of this incomprehensible turn of events. Everyone kept asking me what had happened, but I didn't answer them. I just opened my hand and stared down at the ring in my hand and tried to pull myself together. Only Edward was able to figure it out. He pushed the others out of the way and picked me up, carrying me into the house and laying me on the couch gently. He tucked me in with the throw from the back and went out to the others to explain I guess, since everyone came in a minute later and all sat around me again, this time with looks of sadness and pity on their faces instead of the confusion of before. I found myself thinking that I didn't want their pity…I wanted the world to end…I wanted to die, for good this time.

This thought had Edward immediately at my side again, hugging me tightly. I suppose if anyone were to understand what I was going through right now it was Edward, and Bella too for that matter. She joined him in hugging onto me, the two of them acting like I was going to take off at any moment for Italy or something. I wasn't going to, and I did my best to assure him of this. That just wasn't me. I attempted a little bit of humor and reminded him that he was the melodramatic one, not me. His answering laugh was weak and forced, but he smiled a bit that I was thinking more coherently. I tried to smile a little bit to make everyone feel a little better. Even I knew that it looked more like a grimace and they all moved in closer to me. We all stayed like that for a long time.

A few days later I was both surprised and a little devastated at how little had changed from all of this. He hadn't left. He was till staying with all of us, even despite the angry and confused attitude the everyone now had towards him. In my own sick way I was glad he hadn't left. He may have dumped me, but that didn't mean it made me automatically stop loving and caring about him. We had been together for almost 70 years and these feelings weren't just going to disappear overnight, even though it seemed as if his had. I knew that he didn't have anywhere else to go. This family was his only hope to get away from the life that he had so desperately wanted to escape. I didn't want him to lose that, even with how much it hurt me every time I had crossed paths with him.

The family continued on. I made sure that I put on a happy face for everyone and hid my thoughts from Edward carefully with distractions. I jumped right back into the wedding plans with even more enthusiasm than before. I didn't care if everyone could tell that I was trying almost too hard. I was on a mission. If my own happily ever after wasn't going to work out, I was going to make damn sure that someone's did. I was determined that Nessie and Jake would have the most perfect wedding and life as I could manage come hell, high water, or Volturi.

I held it together pretty well, if I do say so myself. At least until I had to take the guys out for their fittings. Spending all day in that close a proximity to him took out the very last of my already frazzled nerved and emotions. I wondered vaguely what his reactions to my emotions were all day. Did he feel bad for hurting me? Or was he getting some sort of pleasure at my ragged and torn state? I didn't have an answer and I was too afraid of the answer to ask Edward.

In the end it was just becoming too much for me. There were things like the china and linens that I had wanted to look at abroad and I took the first opportunity to get out of there. I took off the first chance I got with very little in the way of an explanation to everyone. I just needed to go. I desperately hoped that getting away for a while would help me work past my feelings and move towards getting over losing the love of my life.


	3. Maybe I'll be ok after all

_I dealt with pain as most human women would…I shopped._

I spent more than a month away from home. I traveled all over, occasionally sending back different things for the wedding or presents for the family. I called when I got the chance to check on the plans and the packages I sent, and every time I did I was gently grilled on how I was doing and when I was coming back which I carefully avoided before hanging up. As much as I wanted to be there with them, I was also enjoying not having to put on a show for everyone to make them worry less. I found it very helpful to be able to let out what I was feeling and do whatever I wanted to help make myself feel better.

After around a month and a half I returned to my family. I felt like it was time. I was doing much better, almost back to normal or as normal as I was going to be. When I came back I walked in like I always had after a shopping trip, carrying the half a million bags. I was immediately subjected to a barrage of questions and concerns. I reassured them that I was alright. And I was, for the most part. I was even able to greet them with a real smile and happily handed out the various presents for everyone before dragging the girls off to show them everything I had picked out for the wedding.

I did fabulously until I ran into him, literally. I had been walking backwards talking to Nessie as I left the room and thumped right into something solid. I would have fallen if a pair of strong arms hadn't held me upright. Recognizing the familiar scent without really registering, I relaxed into them automatically, as I always had before. I was brought to my senses when the body holding me tensed and set me back on my feet before releasing me quickly. The sudden surge of pain overtook me as soon as the moment registered. I sunk to the floor taking useless, gasping breaths. I felt like I was imploding. I sat there for a few seconds until the others came to see what was wrong. I plastered on a smile and joked that I had tripped before continuing on to my previous destination, and a moment alone. No one said anything about how it was all but impossible for a vampire to "trip."

I left the house and took off for the woods alone. I needed to think. I wasn't acting like myself. This dreary, quiet pessimist was not me. I had always been the eternal optimist. Always ready with a smile and a laugh. But since he broke it off I've felt like I lost half of myself. I'm finding it hard to be myself when I feel like I've lost everything.

I finally stopped and settled myself high up on a mountain. There I just curled myself into a ball and let the burning pain work itself out. Once, I had asked Bella how she had felt when Edward had left her. As I thought then about the ragged hole she'd described, I knew exactly what she had meant. I hadn't understood until that moment.

I don't know how long I stayed up there. It felt like an eternity. I didn't move, I just stayed as I was, trying desperately not to think. I don't know how long I would have stayed there alone if Carlisle and Esme hadn't come and found me. They simply sat on either side of me, pulling me into them, as parents would with their upset child. I didn't fight them; I collapsed into them like they were all that was holding me together. The three of us stayed like that for a long time until Carlisle quietly suggested taking me home. We took our time, walking barely faster than humans. We didn't speak. I didn't feel like explaining everything to them, but they never asked anyways.

I had been with the two of them for many decades under the guise of being one of their adopted children. And as far as anyone was concerned, that was exactly what I was. I had come to them knowing that they would help and take care of me and Jasper. But for the first time I truly felt as though they were truly my parents. I whole heartedly believed in fate and destiny and as we made our way home I thought that maybe they had been meant to be my parents all along. They were the ones who had taken me in without a question and were supporting me through everything. I knew they loved me. Not something I could say for certain of my human parents. Who, as far as I could tell, had abandoned me simply for being a little different.

A small smile appeared on my face as we entered the house. The others were there waiting for me, worried. I looked over their faces. The faces of my family. And I realized that with all of this, being alone only allowed me to deal with the pain I was feeling. I realized that maybe if I allowed my family to be there for me, maybe I would be able to actually heal and not just deal with it. I realized I might be ok after all.

But even with this comfort, a large part of me screamed for answers.

A/N: So? What do you think so far? I know it's all angst right now....but I do promise it will get better! Reviews are love! ~ Mary Alice


	4. Where did I go wrong?

A/N: I realized that I hadn't had any dialogue in this. So I attempted a little bit, it's not my usual style though. Please Please Please Review?! Feedback would be really fab! Thanks so much for everyone who's been reading along with me! ~ Mary Alice

_Why?_

I so desperately wanted to know why he would do this. It made no sense to me. We'd been together for so long, and in all that time our biggest disagreement was when I'd bought him those black leather pants on a whim and he refused to wear them. We'd never had anything go wrong in our relationship, ever.

I spent a long time looking back at the weeks leading up to it. Trying to remember if there was anything there that I had said or done to warrant this. I could think of nothing aside from maybe him feeling neglected while I was so wrapped up in the wedding plans. But it wasn't like I'd ever gotten caught up in something else before, and he'd always said how he loved to watch me dance around and enjoying myself. I remained at a loss.

I ended up even going so far as to ask Edward if he knew anything. It took me a while to manage to get him alone; I don't think I ever really noticed how attached at the hip he and Bella are before then. It wasn't until I had sat next to him practically screaming in my thoughts that I needed to talk to him for him to finally leave Bella's side and go with me for a little while.

I led him up to where I had been with Carlisle and Esme. I sat down and without questioning he sat beside me and pulled me into a hug. Before this, Edward and I had rarely ever touched. But since, I couldn't come within a few yards of him, or almost any of the family, without being hugged or consoled, even if I wasn't upset at the time. Although with Edward I think that seeing me as I was had been serving as a painful testament to how Bella had been after he'd left her. Half the time I hadn't been sure if he had been trying to make me feel better or if he felt as though consoling me was a sort of penance for him. I found myself not really caring, it worked either way. I leaned into the embrace.

We stayed like that for a little while before I mentally brought up what I wanted to talk to him about.

_Why?_

" No, I'm sorry." He didn't ask what I meant.

_Does he not think about me at all? _My breath hitched and I hated being so weak. I stopped breathing all together.

"I wish I could tell you. Any time I try to hear him all he's doing is reciting poetry or something else to hide from me." He squeezed me tighter; it would have been hard enough to easily crush a human.

_That has to mean something right? I mean, why else would he hide from you?_ I knew I sounded pathetic, but I couldn't help it.

"You don't sound pathetic; you sound like someone who's been hurt. And I truly with I could tell you what it meant. It angers me that I don't have all of the answers to give you."

_Don't be angry. I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming anyone._

This earned a growl from him. "You should be blaming him, Alice. What he did to you is inexcusable. I want you to know that Emmet and I have talked and-"

_NO! Don't even think about it! I may not understand what he did. But I know him. He never does anything without good reason. If he saw it necessary to end it, then there had to be a legitimate reason._

"Alice… What if we just asked him to leave? I know it hurts you to have him around constantly."

_No. He has nowhere else to go. If he leaves, then he's going to end up right back where he started, and we all worked too hard to get him this far._

Edward sighed, frustrated. "So what? Why would you care with what he's done to you?"

_For the same reason that Bella took off for Italy with me without a hesitation to save you. Just because he stopped loving me doesn't mean I automatically stop loving him. I know it doesn't make much sense to you, but I kind of need him around. The same way Bella took all those risks just to hear your voice in her head. I know it's idiotic, but I'm not ready to let go yet._

He didn't say any more. He just held me until I was ready to go home. We made our way back at the same pace I had with Carlisle and Esme. It gave me more time to steady myself before I could put on the happy face for everyone.

Later that night I had a vision that made me question the truth of them for the first time in my very long life.


	5. Can I dream without sleeping?

_I had known my visions weren't definite…._

_I hadn't realized that they could also be cruel._

That night I sat on the floor beside the window in the room I used to share with him. I looked out, watching the night pass by. For the first time in a very long time I wished I could have that blissful escape into the nothingness of sleep. Instead I had found myself stuck in a room that held too many memories with countless hours stretching before me. I had known that if I truly wanted to, I could have gone down and joined my family in their various activities. I could have gone into Carlisle's study and read a book alongside him; or played a video game with Emmett; or shopped online with Rosalie; or helped Esme as she redid the unused dining room for the umpteenth time. None of that appealed to me. So instead I had continued in my watch of the nighttime forest. It was in the wee hours of the morning when the vision hit me.

_Friends and family surrounded me and Jasper. The garden was simply, but beautifully decorated. Everyone was dressed up and smiling widely. Jasper wore an exquisite suit while I wore I beautiful white dress. He and I had our arms wrapped around one another and were paying little attention to those around us. It was a perfect little scene._

I came back with a snap, confused and hurting. What I'd seen hadn't made any sense. That had obviously been a wedding, ours. I would have thought I'd confused getting lost in a memory with a vision, but that wedding looked nothing like the one we'd had and Bella and Nessie and everyone had been there as well. The vision made no sense. He and I were done….why would I see us having a wedding? It had to be some sort of dream. I needed to know if we even _could_ dream.

I didn't even realize that I'd been sobbing until I moved to get up, I was shaking so hard it took me nearly forever to stand. I rushed out of the room as soon as I was able, walking right into Carlisle's study without even bothering to knock. He calmly set his book aside and didn't even question when I went over and curled myself into his lap like a young child. He simply rubbed soothing circles on my back and waited for me to calm down. I wished that he could just read my mind like Edward so that I wouldn't have to actually voice what was in my head.

I don't know how long it was before I finally spoke.

A/N: I know this is a really short chapter, but I'm going away for a few days and I didn't want to leave you guys totally hanging. I'll be back in a couple days with an update I promise! ~ Mary Alice


	6. Could it be real? Please?

A/N: Sorry it this took so long! I'm back now and working hard on the next chapter! This is more the rest of the last chapter than a new one, but the new one will be up soon. ~ Mary Alice

_My head said I had been dreaming, my heart prayed it was real._

When I did speak, it was almost inaudible, even to a vampire.

"Can we dream?"

He took his time in answering. As always, he seriously considered my question. Carlisle always took our problems seriously, no matter how ridiculous or unimportant. I appreciated it greatly.

"Not that I know of. Although it has become obvious that we do not know everything that may be possible for our kind……You've never questioned a vision before. What did you see?"

A hint of a smile crossed my face. I was glad he knew what I had meant right away. I hesitated before answering but he didn't push. I slowly described what I'd seen, careful to keep my emotions in check so that I would be able to get it all out right. Not for the first time, I cursed my perfect memory for replaying every detail once again. When I finally finished I was more calm than I expected to be. I found myself more worried and confused than upset.

"It doesn't make any sense. Its obviously not possible right now, and I had already decided to start trying to move on. It had to be just some sort of dream."

He thought about it a minute, then made a slight face and said nothing for a long time. I could tell he wanted to say something but was trying to avoid it.

"Please just say it."

"….Did you consider that you aren't the only one who could make a decision that could influence that?"

My only response was a short, harsh laugh. I couldn't believe he would even think something like that.

"I'm being serious Alice. If you had a vision, then someone had to make a decision that could lead to that outcome."

"If that's it then it had to be Edward or Rose or Esme or someone. It wasn't me and it would be ridiculous to think that…he…would decide something like that. He was the one who chose this in the first place."

"I never said it had to have been Jasper."

I unconsciously flinched at the sound of his name. It had been the first time anyone had said it to me, or even in my presence, since he had ended our relationship. I was angry at myself for being so weak. I realized I had been the fragile little Alice everyone always underestimated me to be. Carlisle started to apologize but I was gone before he could. I just wanted to think.

I made it as far as the back yard when a hand on my shoulder stopped me. I froze, still as the stone my skin felt like. I knew that scent, that touch better than any other. More than 6 decades had burned it into my mind and body. I stayed completely still.

"Can we talk?"

The voice was so quiet and almost unsure and hesitant, but I still moved forward with the hand that remained on my shoulder. I just walked, not thinking. I couldn't bring myself to think about what was going to happen. Just after entering the forest, we began to run. He moved in front of me and I followed, not paying attention to where we were going.

When we finally stopped some time later I looked around for the first time. I was confused when I recognized it as Edward and Bella's meadow retreat. It held no significance for us. Although, I realized with a pang, that maybe that was the point. Where we were wasn't important to him, just as I had become.

My mind went blank and my body still when he came forward to face me and took my hands.


	7. Will it be ok?

_Will it be ok after all?_

He just stood there looking at me for a long time. I tried to make out what was going on, but no vision would come and I lacked Edward's ability. I was forced to wait. I stood there, unnecessarily holding my breath.

"I'm sorry."

It took me a moment to process that he'd even said anything. He hadn't spoken to me in so long, I'd almost forgotten what his voice sounded like. I just stood there staring at him, I didn't even know how to respond. After a while I realized he was waiting for me to say something.

"Um…ok?" I knew I sounded like an idiot, but what else was I supposed to say?

He took a deep breath before proceeding.

"I can't do this anymore." The pain hit me hard at that.

"You've already made that clear. About us at least. Are…are you leaving now then?" He shook his head a bit and cursed quietly at himself, I was lost completely.

"No…I…I can't do this….can't do _anything_ without you. I thought that I could, but….I just can't."

My knee-jerk reaction of total elation was cut off abruptly when my ego spoke up angrily.

"So that's it? You want it to be over between us, but you can't handle it. So you dump me and then months later apologize and expect me to act like nothing happened? I can't believe you think that little of me. Yes, that worked for Bella and Edward, but that's not us. I thought we were different. We saved each other. But then, for reasons beyond me, you just decide you want nothing to do with me until you find out it's too hard. Now you want me back only because_ I'll_ make _your_ existence easier?" I was only dimly aware that I was sobbing as I spoke. I desperately wanted us to be ok again, but…

"Alice…that's not what I meant…" His look of total devastation almost made me give in instantly…almost.

"Fine then. Tell me. Tell me why." My vicious tone would have made Rosalie proud.

"I did it for you." I just stared at him. The statement made no sense to me, he broke my heart _for me_? Huh?

"What?" He sighed and continued to explain. His voiced sounded almost like he would cry if he could and his expression held more pain than I'd ever seen.

"You don't deserve this. You are this bright, bubbly, wonderful force of nature. You are always positive and fun. You excel at anything you do….And for decades you have been held back by a struggling, dark mess that you constantly have to take care of and reassure. It is simply not fair to you." I took a minute to process his words. He'd made similar comments in the past but I still didn't understand why he'd taken it so far all of the sudden.

"Jasper…you've said all of that before. And I've always told you that I don't see it like that, see us like that. You were my light. I don't understand. Why this? Why now?"

"Nessie and Jacob."

"What about them?"

"Seeing them together, their wedding plans, all of it. I saw how they are together. They are equals. Neither has to constantly support the other. And it made me realize that the rest of the family is the same way. You do not deserve to have to constantly hold me up and keep me together. You deserve someone who can keep up with you always and will never hold you back. I know that I can never be that for you, so I am trying to let you go. So that you can have that, and be truly happy."

The absurdity of what he was saying actually made me start to laugh. I pulled myself together a moment later at the sight of his utterly lost look.

"You don't get it. We are equals, we always have been. You're not the only one who's damaged. I spent years in an asylum. I'm just as not normal as you are. Yes, you had a crappy time with Maria, but you can't let that define you. That's not what everyone else sees. Jasper, you're smart and sweet and caring. You've always stayed with me, even when I'm being flighty and unstable. You believe in and help me with my visions. You support me no matter what new crazy idea I have. You even go shopping with me, and any guy, vampire or human or anything else, would think you deserve a medal for that alone. You were my light before I even knew you and that has never changed in all these years. You want me to be truly happy? I have been. Since that rainy day in Philadelphia. Nothing is going to change that. When you walked away…I didn't know what to do. I haven't been myself since that day. I feel like you've ripped half of me away and I'll never heal without it. If you think that's going to make me happy, then you don't know me at all. You make me happy, end of story. I don't want anyone else, I never have and I never will." I took a few calming breaths and looked at him carefully, waiting for his reaction.

He just stared at me for a moment before abruptly yanking me to him and kissing me hard. I immediately responded eagerly. I knew that I should have at least tried to stay angry with him for being such an idiot, but I realized that not only was he a guy, this was also the only real relationship he'd ever had. I gave in to him while I considered how he would make it up to me.

I suddenly had a reappearance of my "dream" along with images of me and him at Esme's island. I smiled a little and knew that we would be ok after all. Sure, I'd been hurt, but he had done what he thought was best for me, just as he'd always had. I would just have to keep a better eye on him and make sure he always knew where we stood.

A/N: Ok, so this is the end, I think. I might give in to the muse and follow it up with the new wedding, but I'm not sure yet. PLEASE PLEASE let me know what you think! Thanks to everyone who has already reviewed and kept reading! ~ Mary Alice


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